I have experienced the feeling of being sick from within. Sick not because I had cholera, malaria or typhoid but sick because I thought I was HIV+. I thought I had HIV flowing all through my body in my veins and arteries. Sick because I thought I would not be the same again because I had invited parasites which are day after day eating me up. Parasites which every second manifold at the same rate at which the population of India grows.
I was 20 and the average age of losing virginity for boys was 17 all over the world. It was too late and I had very few options. Time was running out and I was still to experience the most intimate gift God had given me. I was burning with passion and my volcano erupted every now and then. The ready supply of those hot movies from the local network always prompted me to empty my tank. I was desperate to lose my virginity but the question was how?
Bingo! The answer existed even before the question was made. Orkut! The site said - 'Orkut is an online community designed to make your social life more active and stimulating. Orkut makes it easy to find people who share your hobbies and interests, and look for romantic connections'. I set out for the journey with a new fictitious identity (by the way I am a Scorpio). I worked day and night with full dedication. I wanted to get someone with whom I can set out to experience the trip to paradise. At the same time someone quite close to my home known as Anamika* was looking for a blind date.
The room was lit by nightlight and it was raining hard. Perhaps it was raining harder on me. My heart was pounding faster than it did when I covered 17 rounds of my college ground. My hand was shaking and it was difficult to take the glassful of water to my lips. She was calm, cool and composed. Then for the next one hour I was not myself. We did everything I saw on those hot movies - smooching, caressing, oral and activities which probably does not have a listing in the English dictionary. The ecstasy was so much that the most important seemed to be the least important - protected sex. That was the first and the last time we met.
It was over. I never wanted the feeling that I am going to die and consequently I never made up my mind to go for a HIV test. But somewhere from deep inside I could hear my conscience calling me a coward! A fool who is running away from reality! This was hard for me to bear. I felt like a diseased person no different from the ones who are in coma! I don't believe in God up there but he is here right between us - in you and me. He told me that I had been wrong and no one can change whatever is past. I can change my future but not my past. I got the report that I am perfectly fine and HIV negative on 1st January, 09. On this day I came to know that I have a high probability to die by a completely natural death. I think it is justified to change my birth date, I have got a new life.
*Anamika is a pseudonym as I don't know her real name.
